DreadTober and Reflections on Grief

Hi folks,

October, like seemingly every month this year, has been a wild roller-coaster ride. The challenge itself is done and dusted for another year, apart from the participants gallery, and it seems to have gone well. Everyone seemed to have had a good time painting stompy bots and checking out each other's blogs; it was cool seeing everyone comment on each other's work, in the little corners of the internet they have carved out for themselves. 

I'm still a sucker for plasma weapons...

I am left reflecting on another month where I have only just scraped through a challenge that I managed to wedge between massive daily workloads and family stresses. To be clear, I have no issues with failing a fun challenge, they are not meant to be that serious and nobody really minds/cares if you fall short. But I can't help but wonder why having fun itself has become such a challenge. I don't know if this is a function of getting older or just a rough season of my life, but everything seems to be more difficult at the moment. 

I have started some badly needed grief counselling and it is helping me to process issues I have been struggling with for over 20 years, including the fairly recent loss of my closest friend, Joel. Because we shared so much of these hobbies together, they are very much tied to my grief, which makes them both painful and important for healing. Losing such a close friend has also hit me pretty hard in my own sense of identity; Joel knew me better than anyone else and that repository of "me" knowledge is now gone too. I used to be able to say to him "This is what is happening, I feel crap and I don't know why" and he would be able to help me make sense of it all. We used to do that for each other and I really miss it.

I made the mistake of asking the internet what I should call this weapon. I think I will just stick with the less risque "graviton mace" option!

Grief doesn't have a time limit. It doesn't have neat stages that you work through, by ticking all of the boxes. Multiple aspects of it can hit you all at once, or not at all until much later. It hurts, but avoiding it leaves you empty, until you take the time to feel it. I am coming to the realisation that I have spent a lot of time feeling either deeply hurt or numb, and that this realisation itself may be a sign that I am pulling out of the nosedive (at last).

"Even in death I still serve."

So... small plans. I miss my friends a lot; they are amazing. I want to make a proper effort to actually be with them. Hopefully this includes some painting and gaming, amongst other things. I have started a casual gaming group for us, which isn't quite off the ground yet, but has potential.

I am also going to try and put myself out there a bit, which I haven't really done since the end of highschool, and play some games with local FLGS members. I've joined a Kill Team circuit here in Sydney and plan to participate in some introductory games to learn the new edition. Who knows where that will take me. 

The 2nd Edition Army Challenge is about to kick off again as well, which I absolutely love. I am hoping get some games in with the Australian participants this round as well, so perhaps there will be some old school battle reports coming in the future!

At this stage, it is all about getting out of the deep rut that I have found myself in. Digging in and turning it into a trench can't be the plan anymore.  

See you across the table,

Marc